I have been thinking a lot about my little sister lately. I still haven't wrapped my head around her death even though she has been gone almost 3 months.
While I have no regrets (other than her death at such a young age), I think these days I am feeling my own mortality. Other than a few straggling cousins and a useless nephew, there are only 3 of us left . . . . me, my older sister and my younger brother. We spend a lot of time together and drink way too much most of the time. Hell, when I am referred to as the sober one, you know it's a problem. However, feeling numb eases pain and to some degree, I think all of us are trying to maintain the numb feeling over over its alternatives . . . . pain, loss, utter devestation.
What I have noticed since her death is that I am more direct than my normal self. Life is too damn short not to get your point across as directly and clearly as possible. Words are meant to be spoken. Mindreading is not the norm for most. While I don't take most things too seriously, I abhor stupidity of any kind. I don't have patience for it, not that I ever really did, but I used to be "nicer" about it. Now . . . . not so much.
But I also believe being so direct it allows me to say "I love you" more often as I need to express words since I never know what God has in store for me, my siblings or my loved ones. He has proven way too many times in my life that when he calls, we get no choice.
So, am I dealing with her death? Maybe. Is it in an entirely different method that with my parents, grandparents and family friends? Absolutely.
And with that, I will leave you with one of my current favorite songs. It speaks to me.
